I'm fat, black, I can't dance, and I have two gay fathers

The last day has been amazing. Minus the rather crappy drive to Berkeley. Although that was actually much better with Beth than it was without. I got the PERFECT amount of drunk last night, had a great time, and took super amusing pictures. Plus, I'm getting closer and closer to having a non-awkward situation with Caleb.

FYI- I bought a ton of special rice crispy treats last night. I'm super pumped about eating them with my friends at home and (most of all) Abra!!! Me and Beth are SO coming to Santa Barbara for a day of rice crispy-enhanced beaching. It will be amazing. I'll bring the snacks.

Here's a non-comprehensive list of things that have amused me in the last 24 hours:
-Beth's text messages
-Gen taking pictures in front of Gamma Phi
-The shady guys that Gen pushed away from me
-"We be mob deep in bitches"
-"We should invite them to our party" "No we shouldnt"
-Gen stealing Tom's sign
-"I'm gonna go shoot myself in the hall" "I'm gonna go watch"
-The Ice luge
-www.shintau.com (just go there)
-"You can't be a tease if no one wants you"

Oh and Abra- the eagle has landed. Sort of. More info later.

Turn off all the lights and sit inside looking out

Have you ever felt empty of all ambition to do anything? Because that is exactly how I feel. I have done nothing today but sit, eat, shower, and read. I am 100% happy with that. I feel oddly antisocial and solitary. I like it, though. It's peaceful and nice to know that I can currently give myself everything I need to be happy.

Off to read the rest of the Handmaid's Tale. More later.

Even though we sleep together we're alone

So I feel that that post needs to be followed up by some further explanation.

First of all, let me elaborate that I do not drink like that regularly, nor have I ever blacked out before. I found it frightening and weird. I do not plan on reliving the experience and I am eternally grateful to Ashley Stroud, who probably saved my life. But what can you do in situations like these? Do you want me to sit around and pretend it never happened? To waste time regretting it? I've found that the best way is to accept that it happened, learn your lesson, make a joke, and move on. So that's what I'm doing. Its not that I take this lightly, just that I dont see the point in beating myself up about it. It was the same with the Caleb thing. It works for me.

And to the creepy random who commented on that blog- weird. I dont know you and its not even fair because your blog is in Portuguese so I cant stalk you back. I dont know how you found this little corner of the internet world. Shudder.

I have never felt happier and more sure of myself in joining Gamma Phi than I do right now. I LOVE those girls, and I know they love me. I don't need to deal with judgmental eyes, and I don't get that there. Furthermore, there is nothing in the world like seeing how "the other side" lives to make me feel 100% sure that I am the happiest I've ever been right now. Maybe I've changed. Maybe I just wasn't me before. Whatever it is, I love the way I'm living my life and I will never regret any of it. I wish nothing but the same feeling of contentment to my friends, whatever their path may be. This is all part of growing up, and I will not apologize for it or deal with judgment. No one knows my situation but me. I think that's the lesson that has really crystallized for me in the last few days.

Of course I'm still grateful for my friends at home, I don't mean to exclude any of you. It's just that I am currently in the middle of a bout of appreciation for the amazing support system I've found at school.

I am maybe the luckiest person I know.

Oh sweet child of mine

Last night was ridiculous.

I remember drinking my entire bottle of Jager. I googled it later and thats like 12-13 shots. I also remember taking Sara and Shintau's vodka to the face with Sara and drinking some of Genevieve's rum. What I don't remember is anything after that.

I vaguely recall Ashley Stroud taking my clothes off and holding me up in the shower. I dont remember any of the barfing, but apparently it occured in copious amounts. I woke up in clothes that arent mine and I couldnt find my purse or my camera. I walked back to Gen's apartment in Ashley's sweats, a green tank top, NO bra, and my nice shoes from last night. I was carrying my sack of soiled laundry. Talk about the walk of fucking shame.

Apparently me and Gen walked around talking to lots of random people and high fiving them. Interesting.

Funny quotes from the last 24 hours:

-I wasnt raised to have my sisters touch me with their vagina hands.
-Jordan, am I superficial?
YES
-Drunk guy on bus: I'm in love with this woman!
Me: Her name is Genevieve.
-Are you a science major? How many ounces is this?
-Jordan, I'm gonna put this ice cream in the keg!
-We lost the keg! (turns around) Found it!

Fellas are just jealous cuz they ponies, Im a mustang

I am so paranoid.

I really dont think that my friends like me. I mean, I occasionally have this issue with the folk at home, but Im mostly referring to my friends here in B-Town. If they didnt like me, they wouldnt hang out with me... or so Ive been told. But I think I thrust my presence on them and make them feel bad about NOT hanging out with me. So does the fact that we see each other really mean anything?

Pretty much I just think that a lot of the friendships I value most are not exactly reciprocated as much as I would like them to be, and thats depressing. I think its because I hear and see all the trash talking that goes on. There are a lot of people who are treated nicely by these friends of mine, but then ripped to shreds later. That, essentially, is my worst fear.

Somewhere deep inside I know that this is completely me being paranoid. And maybe its because I accidentally left my prozac at home (eek). But seriously, this is upsetting me. Oh and I freakin saw Caleb a bunch last night and I never enjoy that. He is so unnecessarily awkward. I just want to go up to him and say "wtf, it was SIX MONTHS AGO, stop being weird." Several other semi-awkward situations are bothering me right now as well.

I cant wait for Gen to get back from class. We're going to the city and tonight we shall enjoy the fine stylings of Melanie's 21st birthday party. Drunken oblivion, here I come. Which leads me to another concern of mine... do I drink a normal amount for a college kid or am I drinking too much? No, let me revise that. I'm not worried that its too much. I'm worried that I'm too eager about it. Is my complete enthusiasm for alcohol normal? Who knows.

Ugh this has been a serious post. 2 days without my medicine and this is what we get... (thats an exaggeration, I've been thinking about this stuff for a long time)

Two star hotel

So I've made a decision about what my next tattoo will be. I was sort of displeased with the smallness of my former plan (just a "j") and this plan definitely solves that problem. I'll be getting a lotus flower right in the middle of my back. NOT on my lower back, I hate the mark of the whore. It will be slightly below my bra-line and probably 4-5 inches across. I havent decided on a color yet... either red or purple. Definitely on a lily pad. Maybe in some water? I think I'm gonna go to the guy who did Chris' fish, he's an asian tattoo specialist so I know it would rock. Sorry, I just wont be trusting Santa Clarita Tattoo for this one.

It has the meaning I want my tattoo to have and its pretty. Cant beat that. Now to worry about the money aspect.... anyone want to pay for my tattoo for my birthday? :-) I don't anticipate there being any takers, but I definitely plan to get it soon. I am pumped.

In a way I'm ashamed of not being your first or your last- just your first cool enough to admit to

Things on my mind:

1) My parents are home now. I guess the debaucherous part of this summer is mostly over. That's definitely sad. Mostly though it feels weird because they haven't been here for so long. I expect to come home to an empty house (which is how I like it, sadly for me) but instead Im surrounded by family. On the upside, my mom did a lot of my laundry, they didn't find any evidence of foul play, and my mom fixed the sink. Woot.

2) I feel really bad that I didn't go to Idaho. Apparently my grandma cried and said how much she misses me. So I'm planning to go up there for a 4 day weekend in the middle of September. It should be good. I love my grandparents, and I even like Idaho in smallish doses. Woohoo seeing grandma and papa. I love old Texan people.

3) I got my work schedule for this week today and I randomly had 4 days off in the middle of the week, so I'm headed up to Berkeley. I am, once again, super-pumped. The drive will blow but the weather and the chillaxing will be well worth it. Unfortunately, a side effect of this is that I wont get to see Cera until I get off work and arrive at the 6 sleepover on Friday. Ah well, we have a whole week.

4) I post on this thing too much. Oh well.

5) There are a lot of people online and all of them are away. Useless, all of you.

6) I still really like the Kite Runner, but I apologize for the self-involved soliloquy you all had to read earlier. I was in an oddly introspective mood. I'm back to normal now.

For you I wont ever have rough sex with Molly Connelly again

I just finished the Kite Runner. Good book. I'm not usually too intellectual (like I need to tell you guys that) but sometimes I read something that just strikes a chord. That really happened with this quote:

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

I think I like it because its so simple but also profound. Plus, its definitely true. I mean, it probably struck a chord with me because I just went through the year-long process of "forgiving" Chris. I wouldn't say there was ever a moment when I thought "I forgive him for what he did" but there was definitely a moment when I realized it didnt hurt anymore. And when that moment came was when I was able to talk to him again and stuff. I have no idea when it happened, but it was more of a process than an epiphany. This little quote really captured exactly how I think that works. Well done Khaled Hosseini. If I ever become a writer I want my books to be filled with simple statements that reveal complicated things like that.

I wonder if I wouldve even liked that quote a year ago. Probably not. In 3 days it will be the year anniversary of him cheating on me, and I am honestly amazed at how much I have changed and accomplished and, most importantly, how much I've found out about myself in that year. Definitely the most tumultuous year of my life so far. So many ups and downs, but overall I think I'm a much better person than I was and that makes me happy.

I LOVE when books spark that kind of self-reflection. It's why I read so much. There's no feeling in the world like this catharsis.

I wish I could break your neck like you broke my will

I love my new car. Oddly enough, I think its the smell of it that I love the most. It smells so different from Funky Spunk, but in a good way. I also adore the moonroof, although I still find it sort of creepy how Robyn can talk to me as I fill up the gas tank. Of course, its a used car so it has its drawbacks- this weird humming noise when I accelerate, a slight shaking around 50 mph, etc. I'm ok with that. As long as it continues to function, I'm down.

I took OGD on it's second long(ish)-distance trip yesterday. We went to USC to visit Mary... and by "we" I must mean me and the mouse in my pocket. Mary and Tim's apartment is nice, I had a lot of fun. It's always relaxing to go there. Although I definitely saw an all-new and seriously offensive side of Tim, which sort of amused me. Watched some OC, the show I only watch with Mary. When I go there it makes me want to go to USC for grad school, but I still want to go to NYU more. But honestly, I'd be lucky to get into either, so whatev.

Speaking of school- I am SO excited to go back. I can't wait. I completely agree with Robyn in that I want this summer to pass in a montage of good moments and then *bam* I'm back at school. Then I'm going abroad, which I'm super-pumped about. Basically this year is going to be utterly amazing. The following year I write my thesis and take the GRE's, so I better live this one up. What I'm NOT pumped about is the fact that my parents are coming back tomorrow. It'll be good to see them and the poos, but it will suck to lose unfettered house access and to explain to my parents why the sink is broken.

Oh, and just for Cera, I thought I would point out that I returned to the lyrics game with the title of this little gem. And since I mentioned Cera, I might as well say that I am SO SO excited to see her soon!!! OGD's first rage is going to be AMAZING. Oh and also- since Friday the 21st is the ONLY day that Steve can see CERA before he leaves for Boston, and since I made plans with Lepp to go to the beach, these plans have morphed into a huge beach trip. Me, Lepp, Davies, Jakiel, and Fiore- Beach on the 21st. I can drive. We will rock. We will roll. We will rage. Woot.

Who put my phone in portuguese?

One of my favorite things in life is to take things out of context for added hilarity. And thus, I will describe my house this morning so as to paint a picture of the amazingness of last night.

On my camera were photographs of Jason and Greg (in their boxers) laying with the passed out Robyn in my bed. There were also pictures of actual male genitalia, as well as Jason's man-gina. There was an open bottle of Jager sitting between the hookah and the chips and dip next to my chair. My house smells so strongly of cigarettes and beer that I would say it pretty accurately replicates the scent of a frat house. Oh and the sink is broken and I dont know why.

Good moments:
I'm a grower, not a shower.
Jackaboo
Yeah well I'm a bigger ...gay person than you.

Ok Im off to the beach with Davies. Poor molested Davies. Pictures soon to be posted on Facebook.

In other news, I am addicted to the L Word. Best show ever.

We're gonna burn Orange County down

Clearly I havent perfected the fine art of blogging (one of my least favorite words ever), as is evidenced by the non-deleteable existence of a post written by Cera. Ha. Well, thats fine. She's just a little creepy. I love her anyways.

I have made a choice about the nature of this blog (again, hating that word). Every title will be a lyric from the song I am currently listening to. If someone can please identify the song (without using any sort of lyric search) I will give you a prize. And I am not above sexual favors. Ha, kidding. Not that it matters, no one will get any of these anyways, unless I start busting out something Davies has picked up from me.

My house smells like eggs right now because my sisters girlfriend is having some. Its 1:30 in the afternoon. Guess its never too late for eggs.

I'm reading The Kite Runner and I dont know what I think yet.

Ok I just have a lot of random thoughts right now so I think I'll let them stew and come up with some sort of coherent entry later.

Your revenge on the world will be pencils through your curls

Well hello there, internet people. I have chosen to create yet another medium for stalking me. So now, in addition to facebook and myspace, I now stake a claim to livejournal, xanga, and blogspot. Each of them serves a different purpose, and some of them are simply to be used for stalking, so I maintain that its not that weird. In any case, here I am. From now on this shall be the all purpose blog. Xanga and LJ are to be used for stalking. Moving up in the world.

Well, it's 4th of July and I have nothing exciting to do. I'm actually pretty happy though, because I'm having BBQ hot dogs with Robyn's family and that ought to be delicious. I got MORE than enough drinking in last night to make up for the fact that I wont be drinking today.

Summer is amazing. That is all.