All you see is where else you could be when you're at home

16 days until I leave!!

Since I've basically got all the finals pieces laid for this whole living abroad thing, I figure its a good idea to grant you kind folks access to my contact information. And I got an international cell phone... Incoming calls are free, so get a phone card and call me, bitches! If you call my dorm, youll just get a receptionist and be able to leave a message... but you might need the number anyways.

Cell: (011 44) 790-481-8994

Dorm: (011 44) 207-368-8457

My address (for any care packages you might want to send!):
Jordan Mack
1 St. Alban's Grove
London W8 5PN
England

Now, for a little bit about the past instead of the future. I got all my grades back. For some reason, Jesus DOES love me. I got an A- in Architecture, an A- in City Planning, and a B+ in American Studies. My attendance record was fucking DISMAL, and yes this happens. My grades are decent. Excellent. This bodes well for next semester, which I know will be spent doing anything but studying.

Right now I'm talking to this guy Justin, a "friend" of Adam's. I seriously just talk to this guy SO MUCH. Like, a good 3 hours a day on average. He's taking me out for New Years. I don't even know who this person is. Why are my friendships like this? It's like "Hi, my name is Jordan" and I know within 10 minutes if I love them or hate them. If were going to be friends, it happens within moments and intensely. Thats not really normal, but I'm ok with that.

Yesterday I got 2 pairs of boots, a pair of tennis shoes, a brown suede jacket, the new Tenacious D CD, and makeup from Sephora. Then today I went back and got knee-high fishnets, a top for going out, and a black bustier. This bustier is fucking amazing. My mom told me I look like a cheap whore - and that's when I knew I was wearing it on New Years. God, I love it. Now I just need a whip... and a willing participant in my little act... we shall see.

No one is perfect, no I wont ever be

It feels like nothing went right today.

First I found out that I had to pay $80 for the shot I needed. Then I found out I actually needed 2 shots. Burn.

The jacket I wanted is not available in the color I want. My grandparents sent me $2000 less than they said they would, so I have to increase my personal loans by that much - as if I dont already have enough loans. So then I go to sign up for the trips after waiting all this time for my grandparents money to get here, and the Berlin trip is full! Guess I'm not going to Germany! That SUCKS.

And on the way home from dinner I got to have a nice conversation with my parents about how Kelsey's so-called "heterosexual behavior" makes them disbelieve her when she says shes bi. My mom's like "how do you even know when youre 15?" Dude, she knew she was straight then, somehow. How is this any different? So I introduced them to the idea of the Kinsey scale and my mom goes "I dont think you get to pick where you are on the scale when you're only 15" to which I replied "I dont think you get to pick at all, youre born that way."

If my parents dont know Im not totally straight after that conversation, theyre fucking dense. I got way too upset to just be defending my friends and sister.

I just want to lay in Adam's bed and cry. Going abroad blows.

My problem is you make me melt and I don’t want to be frozen anymore

Oh, Christmas. How I love thee. This year I mostly got money and gift certificates, but that’s good. I also got 2 really cute sweaters, more perfume, Big Love on DVD, 2 books, jewelry from my grandma, London street maps, and new I-Pod headphones. All in all, an excellent morning followed by relaxing sleep in my amazing bed, breakfast that featured Boysenberry syrup (mmmmmmm…) and a dinner that was so delicious I almost cried. Then I went to Kelley’s house and we had a bottle of wine on the beach at Malibu. There’s simply no better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

Today I got to buy a video game and see Sara and her fucking ADORABLE puppy. Plus I got a hold of the videos of me and Kelley from the highest day of my life. They are simply hilarious and will undoubtedly be shown to all who appreciate such things. Despite the fact that we (Kelley, Sara, and I) engage in some behavior that is probably less than socially appropriate, I think we’re incredible. Not many people can say that they’ve licked whipped cream off the breasts of their two best friends. No, not many – but I can. Ha. I adore my friends… and brandy cappuccino drinks.

It’s starting to really hit home how little time I have left here. And just how long I’m going to be in London. This is not a vacation. I am simply moving to a foreign country. Good Christ. Tomorrow I have my pre-departure health check and I have to get a meningitis shot. I’m SO scared of shots. Yes, I have 7 piercings, 2 of which are in my face. Yes, I have a tattoo. My fear is not logical, but it is a fear nonetheless. After this appointment, there are exactly 19 days until I get on a plane for England. eek.

Now for a short outline of my schedule for the next few weeks (this is more for me than for you, feel free to skip):

12/27: Doctor Appointment, dinner with Megan
12/28: Shopping with my mom (yay!)
12/30: Tenacious D movie with Sara and Kelley
12/31: New Years Eve in Hollywood with Justin Ziegler
1/3: See Abra and Beth (yay!)
1/4: Lunch with Robyn and Rachel Hill (ought to be interesting)
1/5: Go to Sara’s, spend the night
1/6: Go to Pow-Pow’s house in Palm Springs!!!
~1/10: Meet Alex, one of the girls going abroad with me, in Mission Viejo for lunch
1/13: Spend the night at Sara’s in Fontana
1/14: See Sara and Kelley for the last time
1/15: Leave the country

I don’t even know when I’m coming back, or where I’ll be coming from. I’m still not really ok with not having Adam in my daily life, but I’m getting over it. It will be so amazing when I come back to Berkeley and get to live with him. I know I’ll be just fine.

Yes, I know I sound like a broken record, but this whole going abroad thing is really trippy. And I really really love my friends a lot. I have never before felt like there were so many people in my life that I genuinely love and who genuinely love me. I am so FUCKING lucky, I just cant get over it. And I feel like leaving that behind might be a big mistake. At the same time, I know I’ll never regret this, and that’s why I’m doing it. Still, at my core, every fiber of my being is screaming “STAY! Sara, Kelley, Adam, and Jeanna make it worth it!” I just have to ignore that. I just have to go and trust that it will be amazing and worth it. Sigh.

My life is so amazing, I am so lucky. I should never ever forget that.

Avientame

I'm home. I miss everyone. Specifically, I feel like I'm dying without Adam in my life. I do not really know how I lived for 20 years without knowing him. That's simply never going to happen again.

Home is kinda boring. The puppies are silly and my bed is sinfully luxurious, but Santa Clarita is bland as always. I have an unbelievable volume of shit, so unpacking that kept me busy for awhile. Now I'm working on prep for going abroad. So much to do.

I went to Barnes and Noble for 2 hours earlier today and ended up buying House of Leaves. It looks SO interesting. I'm really excited about reading it. Yes, I'm lame. I also got new glasses today. They're more square and (hopefully) less ugly than the last pair.

I got an A- in Econ. How the hell did that work? I simply did not attend after the midterm. God yes.

Now I think I'll go pester my mom about dinner. Being at home is so amazing, as long as I don't expect excitement and stimulation.

4 days till Christmas
25 days till London

Might be a quarter-life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul

Today was emotional. I dont like that. I have to figure some shit out.

But the good news is, Im going to Santa Cruz on Tuesday night to see Jeanna for one last night of excellence. Then I get home on Wednesday. Now if only I didnt have to take those last two finals. Fuck.

Tomorrow I see my dad and sister. Basically, I just would rather die than take these finals. Everyone has gone home, only I remain. This sucks.

I think I have to have serious conversations soon, and I dont like that.

In other news, back to the countdown:

5 days until I get home
10 days until Christmas
31 days until London

I still cant really believe Im actually going abroad. Like, I dont think its actually going to hit me until Im there. And then itll hit me again a month into it when Im like "ok time to go home now."

Dont forget you let your life turn you inside out

I stopped smoking three days ago. I also said goodbye to Teresa tonight. I won't see her for 8 months. The semester really IS ending, and I'm not really ok with that. Shit.

I REALLY must study, I suck at doing that.

No one is perfect, no I won't ever be

Today I pierced my eyebrow. I'm pretty excited about it, it's cute.

And I talked to one of the girls from my program for a long time on the internet and I know we're going to be really close. That is infinitely reassuring to me, as I realize that there is only a month until I move to another country for 4 months. Good god. We made plans to go to Paris and visit Euro Disney. Heck yes.

Despite some less than pleasant conversations Ive had recently (one in particular) I am basically really happy with my life at this moment. Especially my friendships.

I went to the city with Sara on Sunday and it was incredible. She bought me Cheesecake Factory and we ate it overlooking Union Square all decorated for the Holidays. We ballroom danced to Christmas Carols in the square and window shopped for puppies. The night was rounded out by a nice bonfire at Ocean Beach. Aside from just being general good fun, it really made me remember so vividly why I love Sara. It was definitely emotional (we'll miss each other a lot) but I am so glad it happened. It was one of those days that seems like its a dream, and I know I will think of it often when I'm missing her next semester.

7 days till I see Adam for the last time, 8 days till I leave. Thats not much time. I'm making the best of it.

Fear is the heart of love, so I never went back

Over the last few days I have completely fallen in platonic love with Adam Golub. His bed is the most heavenly place ever and his room is like a sanctuary of peace. I fucking love him and I am SO sad that Im leaving here so soon. He made me a mix tape :-)

I think I might go to his apartment in Tel Aviv, Israel after my abroad adventure though, so thats awesome.

And other than that, Im still really screwed for finals but feeling not as stressed about it anymore.

Tomorrow I have my last SF adventure with Sara. DeYoung and Ocean Beach, here we come. I am actually ridiculously upset about this, so I think I wont talk about it much. I am going to miss my Pacelko so much that I basically cant think about it. Or talk about it. Or deal with it. Kelley too.

Ok, on a happier note- it looks like Im going to Berlin, Wales, Scotland, Bath, and Stonehenge with my school. Mountain climbing and sea kayaking in Wales... fuck yeah...

I dont want to leave.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life

I dont know quite what to do with myself today. Yesterday my life changed, and I dont know how to assimilate that into how it was before yet.

I did some drugs yesterday. And Im not referring to marijuana. I did some DRUGS and good christ was it awesome. The world breathed, everything was rainbow colored and flowing. Everything felt completely magical. I stared at Kelley's eyes for hours. The Japanese Tea Gardens at Golden Gate Park will never be the same for me. It was so intense. Its like I had to completely leave reality in order to see it clearly. I seriously understand myself and my relationships so much more now.

I think Ive come to terms with the fact that no description of my experience will ever capture it at all, or even come close. But that doesnt mean Im not going to try. I am so glad I did that, for so many reasons. One of them is definitely the fact that I am way closer to Kelley now. We have literally seen each other at our worst. I mean, we cuddled in an alley for like 2 hours, rambling about nothing and snotting/slobbering all over each other. And we were SO happy. We were RIDICULOUSLY socially inappropriate, and I'm honestly surprised we weren't arrested. But we weren't, so all is well.

Yeah, my life is incredible. And now for something else...

15 days until I leave Berkeley
21 days until Christmas
42 days until London
74 days until Sara comes to London
80 days until Kelley comes to London

She gives without giving anything to me

KELLEY IS COMING TO VISIT ME IN LONDON TOO!!!!

Oh. My. God.

For two weeks straight I will have friends visiting me. The weekend that I am in London with both Sara and Kelley is going to be like the best of my life. Holy crap, I'm excited. Avenue Q is DEFINITELY happening then.

In other news, 18 days remain in the best semester ever. Le sigh. Sad.

And I'm a massive picture whore. Check out the newbies on facebook. They make me smile.

Also, ask me about my recent/upcoming drug experiences. I dont feel the need to write about them where police can read, but theyre awesome.