My head is weak, my heart always speaks before I know what it will say

All this talk about Thanksgiving has been strange. What am I thankful for? I distinctly remember last year thinking "I have nothing to be thankful for." That's not true anymore, I definitely do... but what?

Basically, I have concluded that I am thankful for the things in my life that encourage and allow me to change. The last 3 years have been the most ridiculously change-filled of my life (and I know its just going to get more intense), and I am so thankful for my family and friends that have supported me through all of it. But seriously, my life is ridiculous. A little outline:

2004- I graduated from high school and chose to go to COC over Scripps. As a result, all of my friends moved away and I basically became Chris' wife. Robyn joined a sorority and I freaked out. Ha.

2005- I finished with COC, thankfully. My sister lost her virginity in a blaze of dramatic glory that summer, then became a lesbian. Chris cheated on me after three years. I moved to Berkeley, met Rachel, and entered a deep depression that would last for 6 months.

2006- Came out of my depression. I joined a sorority, became an alcoholic (and subsequently stepped away from that lifestyle), and started smoking pot. Made fast friends with Jeanna and had a very confusing crush on a girl. At home for the summer I totalled my car and drank a lot. When I came back to Berkeley I suddenly found myself with an incredible new best friend (Sara) and myriad other awesome new people in my life (Stacy, Lindsay, Teresa, Kelley). In the ultimate shift, I had another girl crush and decided that I am neither straight nor gay. Still figuring that one out. Oh and I started smoking :-(

And it only gets worse...

2007- Studying abroad. Traveling. Coming back to Berkeley, but this time without the support of Sara, Kelley, and Jeanna.

2008- Graduating. Grad school? Work? Homelessness? Something else?

My god, my life is insane. Luckily, I can say with complete honesty that I am happy where I am now. Things are confusing and constantly changing (which we all know I hate), but I know Im on the right path. Ill figure my shit out and I know Ill be happy.

So thank you to everyone who helped me through all this. That includes, but is not limited to, Robyn, Charlene, Megan, Steve, Kelley, Jeanna, Teresa, Lindsay, Beth, Stacy, my family, my doggies, Gamma Phi, my many spots on campus, and most of all- Sara, who is basically my guide through life right now. I love you all.

Sing you to coma so to speak

Wow, what a weekend. It all started on Friday night around 10:30. I was having dinner with Sara and Kelley and I mentioned that Try was at Disneyland that day... to which Kelley said "We should go to Disneyland... just kidding." She should've known: you DON'T joke around about Disneyland with me. I promptly decided that we WERE going, and we would be leaving at midnight. An hour and a half later I arrived at Kelley's apartment and we left the Bay Area with a single outfit each (which we were wearing) and almost nothing else. I fucking love spontanaeity.

The drive was so long, but Kelley helped me so it wasnt that bad. When we were almost to my house Kelley and I got to see the most incredible sunrise of my life. It literally took my breath away, it was so gorgeous. We got to my house at 6 am. My grandparents were there, but no one had told my papa that I was coming, so he was quite surprised. We slept in the living room for 4 hours and played with my puppies before eating an AMAZING biscuit and gravy breakfast from my grandma and leaving for Disneyland.

This is how I found myself standing in Disneyland with Sara, Kelley, and Mahsa a mere 12 hours after deciding (in Berkeley) that I wanted to go. Many pictures were taken, much caffeine and nicotine was consumed, the family-appropriateness of Disneyland was challenged several times over, and I basically had the best day ever. We rode everything I love. I saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean and got to experience the Nightmare Before Christmas Haunted Mansion. Space Mountain was done twice and I baa'ed at the goat on Big Thunder. I had vodka and Red Bulls at the House of Blues in Downtown Disney (on that note, Disneyland buzzed/drunk is the best thing ever). Sara and I had 2 corn dogs each (fatty mcfattersons). In general, an awesome day in a magical place.

We were staying at Sara's place, where there was a jacuzzi so fabulous that I practically orgasmed when I got in it. Holy mother of jesus. Then she gave us delicious plum wine, which promptly made me drunk since I was hungry and in a spa. Best sleep on a couch of my life. Which was followed by the best breakfast of my life in the morning. Unfortunately, it had some less-than-pleasant effects on our collective intestinal systems, but thats ok. Nothing a little Tums and a few stops on the roadside cant fix.

6 and a half hours later, we were back in Berkeley. That's right. I decided I was going to Disneyland, got there 12 hours later, and arrived back in Berkeley within 48 hours. I might be sleep deprived, but that was the best goddamn weekend of my life. I have amazing friends who I love even though they make me smoke outside while they "use the restroom" at the House of Blues. God, I'm blessed.

Probably the best part of the whole weekend was that I got a new, much cooler nickname. My sister had those cosmetic blue contacts and I wore them to Disneyland. They looked so goddamn trippy, Kelley wouldnt even look me in the eye. At some point Sara and Kelley were referring to me as Christ because I was saying that Jesus wanted us to come to Disneyland and they were saying that I wanted us to come. So a combination of those two things resulted in me being called "Crazy-Eyed Christ." BEST NICKNAME EVER. Unfortunately, I think Jesus foresook me with the aftermath of that breakfast.

Now I just need to write a paper and I can go home again for Thanksgiving. Hells yes.

Oh and date party was good too. I looked pretty, if I do say so myself. I shall post pictures soon, once I get them from Kelley. Holy crap Im lucky. I love my life.

Any day now I'll explode

I am so excited for date party. I wasn't really until I got all dressed up. Shanna did my hair and it is AMAZING. And who knew a dress from Ross could be amazing?! I certainly didn't.

I even have a date, courtesy of Kelley. Apparently she has some straight male friend who wants to go, so he's now my "date." Of course, we've never met and its not a date, but its pretty sweet that some guy is obligated to speak to me. And I've heard from multiple people that he's really awesome. Excellent.

In other news, I don't go to class anymore. And I'm never eating TWO special treats in one night again. It took like 24 hours for the effects to wear off completely. I thought the chairs were scientists studying me, and I came up with this elaborate story about how humans are just the guinea pigs of the chairs who really control the world.

Basically, it was totally awesome. This week rocks.

Each broken heart will eventually mend

I miss you. I won't say that to your face, at least not yet. You're hurting my feelings. Not in the same way that you were before, because I know to expect it now, but its not really better. I pretend it is, but its not. I guess I take what I can get from you, but thats not really fair.

Im hurt in a much more passive and accepting way now. I will live with this and be just fine, and I know that. I wont beg you to spend time with me. I want you to WANT to see me, not feel obligated. I dont want to be that friend that nags you into spending time with me. I just wish you did, because you clearly dont.

I hope its not because our friendship is fading, but maybe it is. Sigh. Well, for now I optimistically assume I'll talk to you tonight. If not, I'll assume it'll happen tomorrow. And if not then, sometime. I just miss you and your laugh. I miss doing nothing with you and studying with you all night. Ive learned to share, but that doesnt mean I like it.

I sound so pathetic, but Im not really. Just sad.

Every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

I just got carried home in a Postal Service Cart.

Borat rules. See it.

Sara, Im sorry I punched you in the vagina.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting

Better now.

Last night was amazing.

Tonight too will be relaxing.

Im starting to be ok with the fact that Sara and I are going to have two completely separate lives instead of the same one anymore. Thats ok, she still loves me :-) I realized that last night. I have trouble sharing people, but I know I have to.

I'm obsessed with Death Cab for Cutie these days and its really ironic because I used to hate them. Gah.

This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in years

I always thought it was really hard for my friends to make me mad at them. Now I know how they can do it easily. All they have to do is hurt my feelings. I dont mean like some random insult or irritating me for a second... I mean really, truly, hurting my feelings. It seems like the best way to do that is to abandon me.

I have never been so mad at someone I love so much in my life. Hopefully it will get resolved tonight, but I cant imagine that everything will be fixed.

This is sad, but Ive been seriously considering just saying "fuck this relationship." It seems like the easiest way. At least then I wont be constantly hurt. I can take my heart off the line now... but it also means missing out on what I know can be an awesome friendship. Well, we'll see how this talk goes. I might still be cutting my losses.

I hope STA Travel gives refunds.

We all seem to need the help of someone else to mend that shelf with too many books

Last night I:

- said too much... I hope it doesnt change anything. But, honestly, it feels good to know that everything is out there in the open now. I hate secrets.
- drank a whole bottle of vodka and 6 smirnoff ices between 3 people.
- carried Pacelko up a flight of stairs on my back. No wonder it hurts now.
- decided that I'm dying a purple streak in my hair. It was supposed to happen last night, but then we got too drunk.
- laid on the ground outside Alta Bates staring at the ring around the moon and feeling lucky.
- completely bared my soul to Sara and Kelley. Although parts of it fall under the "overshare" category, I'm so glad I did.
- watched Sara hang from a tree upside down. Scary.
- peed on a temple.
- did not wear many clothes.
- got the best present ever. I love Sara so much.

Once again, I said "fuck you society" and completely skipped a party, all the football festivities, and slept through Presents set-up. I defy the law that says you can't have a group of three amazingly close people who love each other without it being awkward. The lines may be blurred, but im comfortable with that right now. I will never allow this to be rotten. I will never allow it to be awkward. It is simply too important to me. When I'm 85 I want Sara and Kelley to be living in a goddamn retirement home with me. I think it can happen.

Other events of note include the fact that I was mostly drunk for fireside and tipsy for initiation. And Abra came!!! Yay Abra! Although I was not in the best frame of mind when she saw me (sorry) I was really glad she was there. I wish I had been able to spend more time with her :-(

You are a constellation, I can barely make you out tonight

After that last post, I went back to Kelley's for another night of amazingness. I slept through all my classes on Tuesday and ended my evening watching the sunset on Kelley's roof with Smirnoff and dancing. Then yesterday Kelley came over with a 6 pack for me and I proceeded to spill my soul (in a good way) and get slightly drunk.

I think I've let the weekend sit enough for me to have SOME insight. Its like this weekend was 2 days of pure beauty. We could just see the light and the love everywhere and in everything, especially each other. It was so amazing that we couldnt bring ourselves to sleep, no matter how tired we were. We just knew we were going to miss it, since this beauty is certainly not something you can experience anytime.

I dont know how or why I was privileged with this event. I cant explain why I got to see what life can be all at once, but I just did. But life cant be like that all the time, or nothing would ever get done. You would explode with all the sensations... I almost did a few times this weekend. I love the feeling of getting tingles up your spine and needing to dance or scream or squeeze someone as hard as you can, simply because you are absolutely filled to the brim with contentedness and love. Its like the love builds up inside of you and it needs an outlet, any outlet at all. Eventually you explode with it. You cant live your life like that, its too much, but I am so lucky that I got to see it just once. Now I know what life can be.

In a way, that is horribly depressing. I have this keen sense of what I'm NOT experiencing all the time now. Events that would have been enough to make me happy before now seem empty, meaningless, because they dont reveal the beauty the same way that this weekend did. They dont fill me with appreciation and adoration for the world around me. There's been a difficult adjustment period. All my same old insecurities came rushing back and began to taint the perfection of the weekend. All day yesterday I just thought about these things.

It was ultimately Sara and Kelley that brought me back to life. Sara finally took me out for my birthday dinner and it was incredible in all senses of the word. The food, the ambiance, the conversation, everything. Even though I basically sat there crying, it was a very reassuring meal. Ultimately, I think she made me realize that my insecurities dont mean anything in the face of the beauty I saw this weekend. Now I know what my goal is. The purpose of my life is to create as much of that as I can and learn to disregard the rest.

Then Kelley brought me the drinks and I finally got to talk to her one-on-one for a long time. I told her a lot of things that I think needed to be said. Now things are open between us. Not completely 100%, but enough that I feel content. I know she knows me, and I know she accepts me, and thats a beautiful thing.

Through all of this I wonder why people click with some people. What about the group of us made this weekend shine? I cant answer that question at all. I know that there are a lot of people that I could NEVER have this experience with, not even if I had spent my whole life with them. But I met Kelley and within a week this had happened.

The whole thing is so confusing and has definitely had a confusing ripple effect, but I no longer feel like Im drowning in it. Yesterday I was struggling to breathe and live in light of the weekend, but then Sara and Kelley put it in a good perspective for me. Now I know that Im flailing, but Im trying my hardest to enjoy it. I guess this is what college is about. Going through this is hard, but it will ultimately add so much to who I am and what I know about the world. I just have to accept that it is a process, and go through it with faith that I will come out unscathed.