You are a constellation, I can barely make you out tonight

After that last post, I went back to Kelley's for another night of amazingness. I slept through all my classes on Tuesday and ended my evening watching the sunset on Kelley's roof with Smirnoff and dancing. Then yesterday Kelley came over with a 6 pack for me and I proceeded to spill my soul (in a good way) and get slightly drunk.

I think I've let the weekend sit enough for me to have SOME insight. Its like this weekend was 2 days of pure beauty. We could just see the light and the love everywhere and in everything, especially each other. It was so amazing that we couldnt bring ourselves to sleep, no matter how tired we were. We just knew we were going to miss it, since this beauty is certainly not something you can experience anytime.

I dont know how or why I was privileged with this event. I cant explain why I got to see what life can be all at once, but I just did. But life cant be like that all the time, or nothing would ever get done. You would explode with all the sensations... I almost did a few times this weekend. I love the feeling of getting tingles up your spine and needing to dance or scream or squeeze someone as hard as you can, simply because you are absolutely filled to the brim with contentedness and love. Its like the love builds up inside of you and it needs an outlet, any outlet at all. Eventually you explode with it. You cant live your life like that, its too much, but I am so lucky that I got to see it just once. Now I know what life can be.

In a way, that is horribly depressing. I have this keen sense of what I'm NOT experiencing all the time now. Events that would have been enough to make me happy before now seem empty, meaningless, because they dont reveal the beauty the same way that this weekend did. They dont fill me with appreciation and adoration for the world around me. There's been a difficult adjustment period. All my same old insecurities came rushing back and began to taint the perfection of the weekend. All day yesterday I just thought about these things.

It was ultimately Sara and Kelley that brought me back to life. Sara finally took me out for my birthday dinner and it was incredible in all senses of the word. The food, the ambiance, the conversation, everything. Even though I basically sat there crying, it was a very reassuring meal. Ultimately, I think she made me realize that my insecurities dont mean anything in the face of the beauty I saw this weekend. Now I know what my goal is. The purpose of my life is to create as much of that as I can and learn to disregard the rest.

Then Kelley brought me the drinks and I finally got to talk to her one-on-one for a long time. I told her a lot of things that I think needed to be said. Now things are open between us. Not completely 100%, but enough that I feel content. I know she knows me, and I know she accepts me, and thats a beautiful thing.

Through all of this I wonder why people click with some people. What about the group of us made this weekend shine? I cant answer that question at all. I know that there are a lot of people that I could NEVER have this experience with, not even if I had spent my whole life with them. But I met Kelley and within a week this had happened.

The whole thing is so confusing and has definitely had a confusing ripple effect, but I no longer feel like Im drowning in it. Yesterday I was struggling to breathe and live in light of the weekend, but then Sara and Kelley put it in a good perspective for me. Now I know that Im flailing, but Im trying my hardest to enjoy it. I guess this is what college is about. Going through this is hard, but it will ultimately add so much to who I am and what I know about the world. I just have to accept that it is a process, and go through it with faith that I will come out unscathed.