I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive

Today was fucking exhausting. It went something like this:

8- Wake up to jackhammering, eat breakfast
9:30-11- Economic Analysis for City Planning (Lots of grad students, which makes me nervous. Small class, 3 problem sets and a final. Shouldnt be too bad)
11-12:30- History and Historiography in the Hebrew Bible (A sea of llamakes, or however you spell that. Should be good because it will allow me to simultaneously learn and piss off evangelical assholes)
12:30-2- History of Architecture and Urbanism (With Sara... we made a system where she sketches the buildings and I take notes. Teacher seems nice, hes apparently famous)
2:45- Appointment with Study Abroad Office (Got my classes approved)
3:30-5- American Studies class on LA (Rachel probably wont be able to get in, which makes me really upset... but the class looks badass)
5-6- Dinner at Gypsys with Pow Pow
6:30-10- Philanthropy Night
10-12:30- Membership Selection

I am hungry and I hope that tomorrow is as relaxing as humanly possible.

I dont know how I would live with myself

**WARNING: Gamma Phi Overload!!**

Camp is over. The first day of recruitment is over. School starts on Monday, but not really till Tuesday. Our room is completely set up now and cleaned. Sara and Try built my loft and now I sleep above someone, which is new and weird.

I continue to feel more and more at home here in the house. The other night me, Teresa, and Sara all went to sushi (my first time!!) and walked around campus. We had a random adventure that featured climbing trees, taking pictures, composing lovely songs, and almost getting sprayed by a skunk. It was honestly one of the best nights ever, especially for how stone-cold sober we were. Well, thats not what I mean. Just that usually I dont feel like I bonded with people that much unless alcohol is involved. This time it wasnt, which was nice.

I totally have a rush crush. I can't write her name down here or anything, but I just loved her. Sara and Try did too. I basically just want to snatch her and make her my little. She's probably the only one so far that I'd be willing to spend all the money to take as a little.

Pretty much, everyday has its ups and downs. Thats normal. Im just thankful that I'm slowly feeling more and more at home here and less awkward with every day. There are so many people in the house that I want to be closer with, and Im hoping that will happen as I want it to. Also, I feel almost embarassingly attached to Sara Pacelko. I dont really know if she likes me that much, but at the same time I know Im being paranoid. I really feel like she could be one of those who is my bridesmaid in 10 years (if she plays her cards right).

I do love Gamma Phi, and part of the reason is because it challenges me in ways that nothing else does. Questioning my abilities makes me grow as a person, and thats awesome.

Pretty much.

**End Vomit-inducing Gamma Phi Contemplations**

Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt

Sometimes I think I am so not Gamma Phi material. Sometimes I know other people think this. Oh well. I will just have to get over it. Recruitment camp is so not my thing.

My birthday was pretty up and down, moodwise. Camp was a damn barrel of monkeys, and then my doctors appointment, Ikea, Target, and the Greek Carnival all followed suit. Or not exactly. But it was good enough.

Now there are drunk people yelling outside my room and I just want them to shut up. I dont get to be drunk for 2 weeks, so neither should they.

I feel so confused by everything right now. I dont know what I think about myself, what I think about others, what others think about me, or how I should act. My life is like one huge awkwardfest, and Im learning to hate it, but also learning that it can be so great sometimes. But how do I make it great more often?

I miss Beth, I think she would make me feel better if she was here. Odd how you can love someone so much when you really know them so little.

I drive too fast at night because accidents happen to other men and not me

Today has been emotionally and physically exhausting.

Last night I drank, to make a long story short. It was fun. I came home around 3 and woke up around 7:30, and this is building on 3 previous nights of sleep deprivation. That, and the hangover, was probably not the best thing in the world for my mental state. As a result, I was in an incredibly foul mood for camp today. Even more so than usual. I just literally wanted to fucking croak the whole time. The only person who really noticed was Sara Pacelko, so she took me to dinner and we just sat on campus and talked for a super long time. It was an amazing conversation, and it made me feel much much better about everything, including any drama Ive had with her. I just love her and I hope we do that again.

Upon my eventual return to the house, every single one of my recruitment outfits was approved, thank the lord above. I am so fucking happy about that. No more worrying, no more even thinking about it. Yay. Then I went in and talked to our helper lady from Gamma Phi International (our CLC) and she was SUPER nice. It made me so happy how nice and understanding she was.

There is no relief in the world like releasing what you didnt know you were holding in. Catharsis is my friend. I think I'm ready to go to bed, sleep bountifully, and wake up feeling ready for the day of recruitment camp ahead of me.

I only have an hour of teenagerdom left. That freaks me out.

Some things in life may change and some things stay the same

Well, I now officially live in the Gamma Phi house. And what an experience it has been so far. First we got the room we wanted (Icebox)... then we got switched to 125, which was supposedly bigger. After much discussion and controversy, we switched back to Icebox, where I currently live. I'm ok with that. Our room is cute.

Then came the second dilemma. Try had planned all along to bring her full size bed and I was gonna loft over it. But APPARENTLY we got some new furniture and this crazy lady for intl isnt letting us move it... so I set up my whole room with the knowledge that in a few days when she leaves it is ALL going to change. Sigh. Whatever.

Try went home for the weekend and Stacy isnt getting here till manana, so the Drunken Clam is getting off to a slow start, but I have faith. It will be awesome. Last night my room was lonely and I was overwhelmed by the amount of clothes I own, so I just slept in the Sara's room on Ehrmann's sheetless bed. I was SO tired. I showered but didnt shave or blow dry my hair.... Ive never been that tired before.

And along those lines, whats up with the midget showers? I better work on my squats before I attempt another shower.

I also went and met that old lady and got the job as her assistant. It should be fucking sweet. Reunited with Jeanna and Johnny and had some La Burrita. Said goodbye to Beth, which was terribly sad. I didnt cry though, so thats a step in the right direction I guess. God, Ill miss her. Shes probably one of my absolute favorite people, and not just in the house. So sad.

I forgot how much I love these people. I'm trying to change my actions though. Instead of making fun of the people I love, Im going to try being nice for a change. I realized recently that I am a huge bitch to Sara Harris and Pacelko... even though I LOVE them both. Why is that? Also, I tend to just say shit without thinking, which Im now making a concerted effort to stop. Some people tell me not to, that its funny, but I think people get the wrong impression about me. Oddly enough, Im probably the most sensitive person any of these people knows, they just arent aware of that because I seem to have the philosophy that the best defense is a good offense. Sigh.

Also, I am decidedly awkward with _______. Probably because I have unresolved feelings about our situation. Or lack thereof. Let's be honest, I still have a huge crush and it's probably never going to go away, but nothing will ever be done about it either. And I will always be jealous of every other girl, which is hard to deal with but Im working on it. Ah sad, but I'll learn to deal.

Overall, everything's good. Camp starts tomorrow, which Im less than excited about, but Ill live. School starts a week after that. I had a little bout of intense depression the night before I left, so that wasnt good, but I got over it. I'll miss Robyn and my mom a TON but Ill survive. And school will be fun.

Birthday countdown- 3 days
Legally drunk countdown- 1 year and 3 days

More later

I returned the rental car.

I worked my second-to-last shift.

Tomorrow I spend all day packing, then have a birthday celebration.

Friday marks my return to Berkeley.

Fuck.

Those little red panties, they pass the test

Hello my internet stalkers! It's been so long. As Robyn so kindly informed me, my blog has become boring. So um sorry about that I guess. I've been busy. Lots of work, but that's not exciting. Let's see... whats new.... LIST TIME!

1) I finished my study abroad application and sent it in like a good little girl. Now I'm well on the way to going to London. Only a few key steps left before I move to London on January 15, 2006. Think I'm looking forward to it a little? You bet! So far I know I'm gonna go to Stonehenge, France, Greece, Italy, Amsterdam, and some Eastern European countries in the first 6 months of 2007. Once in a lifetime, people. I am PUMPED like you would not believe.

2) Also exciting, although perhaps not on the same scale, is the cupcake expedition that Robyn and I made this evening. Yummy, in Burbank- GET THERE. So delicious. So amazing. Also expensive and incredibly rich (not for the light-stomached) but so worth it. And so close to CPK, which provided delicious and nutritious dinner afterwards.

3) My cousin, who I havent seen in about 2 years, randomly showed up at my house tonight. He apparently is on some sort of road trip and went to Magic Mountain. It was weird/good. I miss him so much. He's one of the nicest guys in the world, but its weird to show affection to a male cousin. Still, it was really really good to see him and meet his girlfriend. I think its just refreshing to talk to someone whos not a complete douche.

4) I can't believe how close to the end of summer it is. I leave a week from tomorrow (technically, a week from today). Soon I will be thrust into the intense schedule of moving in, recruitment camp, recruitment, classes, and hopefully a really sweet job. Back to the B-town routine, I guess. As always, there are good and bad things. I guess I'll just take it as it comes and chill out a lot in my amazing room. That's probably what I'm most excited about. Drunken Clam, here we come. That and my new backpack. It has polka dots.

5) Between now and a week from now, I will be packing, working quite a bit, going to SB to par-tay with people I like, having goodbye/Bday dinner with Robyn's family, getting new speakers in my car, watching Funky Spunk get towed away, having B-day dinner with my family and some select friends, partying at Megan's once her parents leave town, and finishing my recruitment shopping. Sounds exhausting already, and it hasn't even started. At this point I'm just excited to go to Abra's though. Who knows when I'll next see her and Beth. I refuse to believe its the last time (that would be ridiculous, we live so close) but it might be awhile. Sigh.

I'm not good at goodbyes, and they're swiftly approaching. The worst ones await me in December, but studying abroad will be so worth it. Sigh. Ah well, things have been going really well for me lately. I'm really excited about my classes, cuz I'm a huge nerd. Whatever.

See, Robyn, that wasnt that interesting, but at least I wrote something. Better?