Dont cry, Ill bring this home to you

I am so in love with her. I feel like Im going to explode half the time. I dont even care that my mom thinks Im a stranger. Just thinking that I get to be with her in 16 days is enough to make the depressingly short amount of time left in London ok.

I mean, this is a serious change in my life plans. My parents arent the only ones who have to adjust to the idea of me being with Stephanie. I always thought Id marry a man, have kids with him, and all that (even though I am both cynical and bisexual). Now I just imagine myself marrying Stephanie, having an unconventional family, and being really happy.

Its hard to believe that this is happening. It must be weird for people who arent with me constantly, aka anyone from home. I have changed a lot... and at the same time, not at all. I am still the same person, please dont think otherwise. Im just doing what I want to in order to be happy now.

And I am. I really am.

I'd spend all night losing sleep

Yesterday was eventful. To summarize:

1) I did a phone interview for a sweet job back in Berkeley. I think I got it, if their laughter was any indication. That would be nice.

2) I told my mom that Im bisexual and dating Stephanie. It didnt go too well. Excerpts from the conversation include me apologizing to her, then realizing thats bullshit and saying "Im not sorry for who I am, but I'm sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be." Intense.

3) Then I went and drank 13 shots of vodka and talked to Adam and Stephanie on the phone.

Today I am attending my last class in London. 15 more days. FUCK. I'm starting to have this panicky feeling in my chest all the time, like I need to just run outside and take in as much London as I can. I have £20 left on my oyster card, and I know I'm not going to use them all. It's sad.

Before I leave here I want to go to Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese and St. Pauls one last time. I've decided that I'm applying for a job in London when I graduate. Fuck this whole US thing. I like it here.

Calling all cars, all coroners, we got a dead one here

Astrology freaks me out.

I am a leo. This is what leos are supposed to be like:

Leos are typically pictured as very dignified and regal. They are hard-working, ambitious and enthusiastic, however they are prone to laziness and can often take "the easy way out." They are known to be exuberant, extroverted, generous with a natural dramatic flair and very creative. They are typically very self-assured, and love taking center-stage in whatever arena they are in. Fiery determination and the desire to be important often rule their life. They usually pursue their goals doggedly and use their charisma to sway others to their cause. Open and honest, tend towards the philosophical and tend to hold great idealisms about how things should be. Leos are usually determined, stubborn, loyal and traditional. They are often resistant to imposed changes, and tend to hold onto people and situations for a long time. Leos, like the Lion they are named after, are thought to be born leaders, with charisma, enthusiasm and determination. They do well under pressure and are good at defusing crisis situations. Because of their creative nature, they tend to not stick with the boring and mundane, and look for excitement in life. The downside to a Leo is usually their pride. Due to this, they are sometimes prone to being conceited, jealous, snobbish, boastful, overbearing with a disdain for those under them. Due to their positive nature, they are typically very gullible and tend to believe the best will happen. When it doesn't, they are prone to depression, may react nastily to affronts and could be deeply hurt by malice and hostility.

I couldn't have written a better description of myself if asked.

I just realized that three of my favorite people in the world are Geminis (Sara, Adam, and Stephanie). Apparently leos and geminis are supposed to be compatible.

Thats weird.

You need me less than I need you

I'm really overwhelmed with bullshit right now. So, in order to handle this, I am making a list of all the crap thats coming up, both good and bad. Hopefully then I wont be so pissed off that Im about to leave London, which I cant even begin to talk about yet.

May 23- History Topic Review Due
24- US/UK History Paper Due
25- Peer Adviser Interview
26- The Ghetto, dancing with Alex and Erica
28- The Mean Fiddler, sweet live music with Devon
30- The End, dancing (but this time I wont get slapped by a gay boy)
June 2- Travel Writing Final
- Change my lip ring
3- Art in Context Final
4- History of London Final
8- US/UK History Final
11- Leave for Venice
15- Finally see Stephanie! Oh and Rome.

...and off for my European adventure from there.

I'm just stressed about class stuff, like this paper, and about packing. And saying goodbye. And just the general fact that 20 days remain in this beautiful city where I've been living for 4 months. I love it here. I will always miss it.

You know, studying abroad is an amazing experience. You get to call somewhere else, somewhere completely different, home for a short period of time. It teaches you so much about where youre coming from and (I think) where you want to go. For me, it hasnt even been about the people here. As a general rule, theyre cool but not as cool as the people I love at home. And by home I mean both Berkeley and Saugus. Which brings me to my next point... Before college I thought you could have one home. Just one. It was where you felt comfortable and your family was. Then I went to college and realized that it can also be where your friends are. I certainly view Berkeley as my home just as much as the place where I spent 18 years of my life. But then I came here and realized that its not even about the people. It doesnt matter where you are or who youre with - it can be home. If you decide it is, and make an effort, and let yourself fall in love with the place just a little bit, it can be home. I have fallen head over heels in love with London. Its not a blind love, I know the weaknesses of this place. I can bitch about how the tube closes at midnight or how the people are rude with the best of them. But ultimately, I am leaving a piece of my heart here. Just as Ive left a piece in Santa Clarita and one in Berkeley.

I wonder how many more pieces there are? Will this go on forever? If I move to NY after graduation, will that be my 4th home? Probably. Then after that, who knows. It is so liberating to know that I have the ability to create a sense of home and completion from scratch.

And that, I think, was the point of studying abroad for me. I dont prefer to be alone, but I can do it, and I can be happy. I can fall in love with a place and not the people in it. I love that.

It's been a long time since I've been sad

So here's whats going on.

I'm in a relationship. With a girl. Her name is Stephanie and she makes me happy. I met her through Adam (she's his roommate) and we started talking a little bit ago. She is meeting me in Rome and traveling with me to Athens and Tel Aviv this summer. I am so excited.

So yes, its a little strange that I have a girlfriend for real now. My bisexuality is no longer simply in theory I guess. But honestly, she makes me really happy and I think this is going to be a really good thing for me. She's funny and cute and we are totally compatible in that opposites attract kinda way. My aunt has hung out with her (weird) and apparently she approves, which simply means that her awesomeness has been validated.

I can't fucking wait for her to get to Rome. It all happened so fast, but its also one of the most natural things thats happened to me ever.

We're a little obsessed with each other in that nauseating new relationship sort of way. Its so much fun. I love it.

So thats that.

I want to see you scream and shake

I have officially fallen in love with Paris. This city is amazing. I wish more than anything that a few select people (well, maybe just one) was here with me... but no such luck. I've been to the Louvre, climbed to the top of the Sacre Couer (I almost fucking died), chilled at Notre Dame, went on a Siene River Tour, and bought a lot of good souvenirs for other people.

Now I have to write a paper. Fuck.

I go back to London tomorrow and then its the final stretch. Less than a month left. I am just one huge ball of mixed feelings. Im SUPER excited to travel (especially once I get to Rome) and I can't wait to get home and see everyone again... but I fucking love London and I do NOT want this dreamy experience to be over.

Take my by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere

I am happy.

I went to Scotland for 3 days and it was beautiful.

I pierced my lip and its just as good as I hoped.

I love beginnings. And especially when they are scheduled to take place in Rome and Athens.

I'm going to Paris this weekend.



School ends in a month as of tomorrow. Fuck. I miss everyone at home, but oh my god thats intense. I love London so much its incredible. I am so blessed right now, despite the massive amount of papering that remains to be done.